Phase 4. Approach

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Approach is about how you deal with an other person (or people). It is possibly the single most difficult element of Tantra to master. It is critical to understand and include in your mind set – not only in sex, but in your entire life.

At minimum your approach has to include Honor, Respect, Trust and Permission. These concepts are part of opening your heart and are essential if you are to achieve a state of blissful harmony. There are a number of techniques that can help in this area, but it is mostly about your attitude towards each other. This is not about taking pleasure, but about giving pleasure as completely as is possible. In most western cultures, we are programmed to think that “sex” and especially “giving in sex” is bad, however most people, deep in side want to “give” in sex, but do not know how to reconcile this emotionally.

There is another side of this issue too: You have to be able to trust someone in order to give freely and completely. Trust is not something that anyone gives freely, it is something that must be earned. So how do you earn your partner’s trust? You honor him by being completely honest with him. You respect him for who and what he is, not what you want him to be. You cherish each thing that appeals to you about him and simply accept the rest as being part of him. Most importantly, you should never have “expectations” or take anything for granted, rather show your appreciation for everything that he chooses to gives you emotionally and physically.

This is very easy to put into words, but putting into practice is much harder. The key to this is communications. Not only spoken, but with body language, motions, and for those who have development the skill – touch. Regardless of the form of communications that is being used, you need to be clear what it is that you are expressing and that it is understood. A simple touch in the right place can communicate what a 1000 words cannot. Words and languages can easily be confused or even false, but it is extremely difficult to tell lies with the body.

An extremely important aspect of this is ensuring that your partner feels safe with you – physically and emotionally. You do this by almost continuous touch and reassurance. Be very careful to show that you are not afraid of intimacy and that he should not be either. The tougher or more macho a man acts the greater this fear of letting go. He has to believe that you really want him sexually.

Always ask their permission to love them passionately. Permission is possibly more important with Gay Men due to some of the psychological issues involved, safe sex, and the variety of intercourse options possible in gay sex. Be clear in asking permission to make love to your partner, make sure that he understands how and what you would like to do with him. At first you should be specific in your requests and keep it to one thing at a time. You can always ask again if you would like to continue to a different variety, position, or method.

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